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New theme park for Downs

May 25, 2010
downs theme park artists impression

Artists impression of Jokesburys on Clifton Downs : the biggest theme park in the South West

A detailed planning application is due to go before Bristol City Council to build the biggest theme park in the West of England.  Developers have chosen Clifton/Durdham downs as the ideal location for the ‘Jokesburys’ ultimate one stop family entertainment centre following extensive searches around Bristol for a suitable site.

Spokesperson Fat Bloke says  “we looked long and hard at suitable sites-we needed a site that was cheap and easy to build on and this green space fits the bill nicely. Its only old quarries and lead mines anyway. Just  look at it through binoculars and see the empty  bottles and used condoms, which proves that this is not somewhere a nice family would have a picnic”.

The press release from the developers states that ‘these Downs belong to the citizens of Bristol and as such we intend to offer the local population white knuckle rides without having to drive all the way to Thorpe Park or Alton Towers. This will be excellent for the environment and we fully expect the 10,000 cars a day to improve the air quality of the region.  Those nearest theme parks are already over-trading as anyone who has stood in the queue for hours waiting for the Apocalypse will testify. ‘

The press release also made it clear that the land is part owned by the Society of Merchant Pirates and Slave Traders and that they will do exactly what they want, as they are extremely rich, and in the Sunday Times rich list.

Spokesperson Fat Bloke says “road links are excellent from the M4 and M5 and in any case we can build a link rd for the hoards of thrill-seeking Brummies.”  The independent unbiased highways report commissioned by Jokesburys Inc.  says:  “put in a roundabout, remove cycle lanes and hey presto traffic will run quicker than before.”

There are a few  nimbys against the wonderful theme-park proposals. Local resident Colin the Horse who resides in Posh Mews says  “All I will get is constant noise and the smell of overcooked  McOffal burgers. I prefer grass.”

Steve ‘The Preacher’ Landowner says  “This is entertainment for the masses and is long overdue as this area is a backwater badly in need of a monster theme park development. Think of all those hundreds of low paid dead-end jobs we’ll be creating! I intend to offer a good stack of my hard earned hedge-fund beans for this to happen, I’m counting them this very minute.  This is an enabling development~it will enable me to make large amounts of luvverly lolly .”

Council chiefs agree and will give them all the land they want for free.

“It definitely is an enabling development and Jokesburys will enable us Liberal Democrats to get tons of votes,  hehe!”