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Pope Lansdown I visits Bristol

September 17, 2010

For the once in a lifetime event, the pontiff visited South Bristol from distant shores. On alighting at Lulsgate International world-class airport from his luxury Virgin Flybee airliner with rodeo-style seats, he preached his sermon:

“South Bristol looks like a third world country. Look at the poor plebs scavenging over the tips. Never mind I’ll soon sort that out. My experience of feeding the 5000 will come in handy. My faith will ensure the virgin sainsbury temple of Greed and Gluttony will miraculously double in size and all those starving people will from now on be able to gorge themselves in my image.

And I will visit and bless the waters of Colliters Brook and the ancient swamp of Ashton Fields and from there will arise a magnificent edifice of red corrugated plastic from where the multitude of faithful shall praise my name and sing to the glories of premiership heaven. An Erection as never before been witnessed on the Long Ashton bypass. Bless-ed are the reds and curs-ed are the greens, blues and red-trousered.

And in a minute I will beautify (???) Cardinal Sexton who wishes to say a few words to you millions of faithful”.

Sexton appears in his red robes.

” Right lot of twats the council. As for the greens- they need a rocket up their backsides, Spanish Inquisition Style. Tell you what, that friggin rubbish tip-you know -Ashton Vale, Jesus what a dump that place is. People actually live there ha! ha! Its a rat-infested dog toilet of a swamp as our beloverred leader just said. No-brainer. My vision is a massive drive-thru Hooters so families, specially blokes of the faith can ogle and gorge themselves on everything that is Godly. Tell you something else those backward people need: cranes-thousands of them. Not just ordinary cranes but monster sized cranes everywhere. Cranes equals progress as Ptolomy once said or one of those other greek geeks . While the beloverrerd father is goose-stepping down the tarmac mark these words….blabber, blabber aaaaargh  (gets carted away as he froths at the mouth ranting on about dog walkers, laughing stocks, and monster cranes).

  1. A Pedant permalink
    September 18, 2010 8:58 am

    The word you’re looking for is “beatify”. 🙂

  2. September 18, 2010 11:23 am

    thanks-strange word from the pope-mobile circus, they need to learn to spell.

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